Guess Who Is Back?!

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I think that's bullshit. But we're here to test out theories and so, after two months, we have returned. New and improved. With much better wit and stuff.
Without further ado, you are on notice!

1. Our unholy attraction to Dmitry Medvedev

I am not the biggest fan of Russia as a country, mostly because I'm not from there and everyone thinks I am. All I know is that it's cold and they eat a lot of beet stew. And they are not the greatest at warfare. However, we here at "YAON" have found ourselves utterly smitten with newly-elected Russian president Dmitry Anatolyevich Medvedev. It could be the fact that he would look amazing in a fur hat, or it could be that his last name sounds like it should be a palindrome, but needless to say, we are on his bandwagon (insert bad sexual pun here). We're not quite sure what being liberal in Russian politics entails, but hell, if it looks that good, we'd be willing to become communists.

2. Eliot Spitzer's shenanigans

You remind me of a grown-up version of E.T., which probably explains why you had to go to a prostitute in the first place. Spitzer, you were a Democrat. You were not doing horribly. That by itself is a miracle in today's political arena. But must you have become Client #9? Really? That's your code name? You couldn't have had something grander, like LiberalLuver?
This begs the question: Who were the previous 8 clients? And did your deputy governor, Paterson, come up with conspiracy because you refused to put braille on the coffee maker? If so, touche David Paterson. I want you to become the next governor. Not only are you blind and black, but you have managed to ruin not only the reputation but also the sex life of one shining beacon of hope.

3. Hillary Clinton's awesome use of stock footage

This could be on our Highly Regarded list, but it's just too good to pass up. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the ultra creepy Hillary ad called 3 am. If you're not, click and watch. But don't watch it with the lights off, I warn you.
The greatest thing to come out of this ad is not the inspired fear but the dramatic irony. The stock footage used in this ad was of a small child named Casey Knowles, just getting her big break in the television field. That was eight years ago. Today, Ms. Knowles is an Obama supporter who didn't even know she was featured until her brother saw the ad and thought it looked a lot like her.
So, Hillary Clinton, we applaud (and demote) you. Not only do you not have your own actors for your television ads, but you have decided to campaign using other people's supporters. If you were going for more exposure, it worked. Kind of.

4. Anti-Christ Obama

I didn't know that the antithesis of Jesus was manifested in a tall black senator from Illinois. That came as a shocking fact to me. However, reading through your Facebook group about this made me realize that it could be true.
Not only did you convince me that Obama is a radical Muslim, but you also repeatedly told me what his middle name was. I didn't formerly think of the fact that a middle name could suggest terrorist activities, but you are correct. Obama is atheist. He slouches. He doesn't believe in the Pledge of Allegiance. These are all qualities that I could not BEAR to have in a leader of my country. Who knows if he might get scoliosis? We don't need another FDR. We all know how much that guy did for our country. Gosh.
So thanks for telling me the truth about Obama via facebook forwards. I'm so glad that you could enlighten me. I thought I had heard everything from the quality newspapers that I read daily, but I must have missed something. I'm definitely not going to vote for the underground radical Muslim terrorist now.

5. Amazing tax rebate

Don't get me wrong, I love free money. I especially love free money that's being sent to me just so I can buy things. However, one of the things I don't like is debt, especially when it's possibly tainted with lead.
So good job, George Bush, on your tax rebate initiative. I know that it flew through Congress and we're all going to be getting a large sum of money and for this I (and my kitten, who is likely to get a proportion of it spent on her) are grateful. But really? We're borrowing more money from China to spend money on Chinese-made products? You should make a rule that disallows us from buying unamerican things, like Daewoos and IKEA furniture. We will not be able to spend any of our $600 on egg rolls or orange chicken. That could be a plan that will benefit the American economy.
As it stands right now, I'm going to buy my kitten a Chinese sweater just to piss you off. I hope you like argyle.



6. Giuliani's untimely disappearance

Where have you gone, Mayor Rudy G.? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Wooo wooo wooo.
In all honesty, we miss you. I never thought I'd say that but I really enjoyed taunting you daily through a weblog. You were so easy, with your American flag lapel badge and beady eyes. And your lisp, oh dear god your lisp.
But now you're out of the circuit, out of the public eye, and OUT OF OUR LIVES. I've never been so happy and so irreversibly depressed in my life. You helped me with my columns and led me to unpatriotic jokes that I can never take back. Who will talk about 9/11 now? McCain doesn't care.
But maybe you can be vice president and we can forever hold you in our hearts and rifle sights.

Until next week.

In Witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names,

Tasha (Amy) and Emily (Erin)