Guess Who Is Back?!

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I think that's bullshit. But we're here to test out theories and so, after two months, we have returned. New and improved. With much better wit and stuff.
Without further ado, you are on notice!

1. Our unholy attraction to Dmitry Medvedev

I am not the biggest fan of Russia as a country, mostly because I'm not from there and everyone thinks I am. All I know is that it's cold and they eat a lot of beet stew. And they are not the greatest at warfare. However, we here at "YAON" have found ourselves utterly smitten with newly-elected Russian president Dmitry Anatolyevich Medvedev. It could be the fact that he would look amazing in a fur hat, or it could be that his last name sounds like it should be a palindrome, but needless to say, we are on his bandwagon (insert bad sexual pun here). We're not quite sure what being liberal in Russian politics entails, but hell, if it looks that good, we'd be willing to become communists.

2. Eliot Spitzer's shenanigans

You remind me of a grown-up version of E.T., which probably explains why you had to go to a prostitute in the first place. Spitzer, you were a Democrat. You were not doing horribly. That by itself is a miracle in today's political arena. But must you have become Client #9? Really? That's your code name? You couldn't have had something grander, like LiberalLuver?
This begs the question: Who were the previous 8 clients? And did your deputy governor, Paterson, come up with conspiracy because you refused to put braille on the coffee maker? If so, touche David Paterson. I want you to become the next governor. Not only are you blind and black, but you have managed to ruin not only the reputation but also the sex life of one shining beacon of hope.

3. Hillary Clinton's awesome use of stock footage

This could be on our Highly Regarded list, but it's just too good to pass up. I'm not sure if you're familiar with the ultra creepy Hillary ad called 3 am. If you're not, click and watch. But don't watch it with the lights off, I warn you.
The greatest thing to come out of this ad is not the inspired fear but the dramatic irony. The stock footage used in this ad was of a small child named Casey Knowles, just getting her big break in the television field. That was eight years ago. Today, Ms. Knowles is an Obama supporter who didn't even know she was featured until her brother saw the ad and thought it looked a lot like her.
So, Hillary Clinton, we applaud (and demote) you. Not only do you not have your own actors for your television ads, but you have decided to campaign using other people's supporters. If you were going for more exposure, it worked. Kind of.

4. Anti-Christ Obama

I didn't know that the antithesis of Jesus was manifested in a tall black senator from Illinois. That came as a shocking fact to me. However, reading through your Facebook group about this made me realize that it could be true.
Not only did you convince me that Obama is a radical Muslim, but you also repeatedly told me what his middle name was. I didn't formerly think of the fact that a middle name could suggest terrorist activities, but you are correct. Obama is atheist. He slouches. He doesn't believe in the Pledge of Allegiance. These are all qualities that I could not BEAR to have in a leader of my country. Who knows if he might get scoliosis? We don't need another FDR. We all know how much that guy did for our country. Gosh.
So thanks for telling me the truth about Obama via facebook forwards. I'm so glad that you could enlighten me. I thought I had heard everything from the quality newspapers that I read daily, but I must have missed something. I'm definitely not going to vote for the underground radical Muslim terrorist now.

5. Amazing tax rebate

Don't get me wrong, I love free money. I especially love free money that's being sent to me just so I can buy things. However, one of the things I don't like is debt, especially when it's possibly tainted with lead.
So good job, George Bush, on your tax rebate initiative. I know that it flew through Congress and we're all going to be getting a large sum of money and for this I (and my kitten, who is likely to get a proportion of it spent on her) are grateful. But really? We're borrowing more money from China to spend money on Chinese-made products? You should make a rule that disallows us from buying unamerican things, like Daewoos and IKEA furniture. We will not be able to spend any of our $600 on egg rolls or orange chicken. That could be a plan that will benefit the American economy.
As it stands right now, I'm going to buy my kitten a Chinese sweater just to piss you off. I hope you like argyle.



6. Giuliani's untimely disappearance

Where have you gone, Mayor Rudy G.? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Wooo wooo wooo.
In all honesty, we miss you. I never thought I'd say that but I really enjoyed taunting you daily through a weblog. You were so easy, with your American flag lapel badge and beady eyes. And your lisp, oh dear god your lisp.
But now you're out of the circuit, out of the public eye, and OUT OF OUR LIVES. I've never been so happy and so irreversibly depressed in my life. You helped me with my columns and led me to unpatriotic jokes that I can never take back. Who will talk about 9/11 now? McCain doesn't care.
But maybe you can be vice president and we can forever hold you in our hearts and rifle sights.

Until next week.

In Witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names,

Tasha (Amy) and Emily (Erin)

And yet another night of debates.

Sadly, we are still sober and still watching presidential debates. Thus comes another episode of "You Are Highly Regarded!"

1. John Kerry still considered flip-flopper

I remember the good old days, when you were holding hands with dear former senator Edwards. I gently scolded people who called you a flip-flopper, using a reproaching tone of voice and stating your qualifications (aka the fact that you weren't George Bush). As I listened to the daily news on the classical music channel, I was not entirely displeased to hear your voice. I love listening to losers. But then I listened to your message. Oh Kerry. I didn't think that you could be a more bitter loser. But then you surprised me by coming out of nowhere with an attack on your former running mate. You were as shocking as KFed's new title as the better parent. Even in your death (and yes, you have died in the eyes of our country, see former entry about William Jennings Bryan) you still haunt us. It's as though you punched a baby crawling over your grave. Good job.

2. Chapeau monkey smuggler

I, rather naively I now concede, thought that our airport security was stringent, if not a little overprotective about liquids. At least that was the reason I gave myself to justify the ass rape by that creepy yet gentle airport security guard. But not so! Mr. Chapeau Monkey Smuggler, you amaze me. How do you even get a monkey under your hat? I'd think that they would climb out and then run off with your wallet. Perhaps I've watched too much Aladdin, but I think that you should start a new career as either a spy or an animal trainer. Or an animal-training spy. Eventually, there will be a movie made about you. It might go straight to video, but I'll totally be buying that for 2 dollars in three years. I applaud you.

3. John Dillinger's fugitive status.

I thought I could only laugh at Hoover because of his name. Thank god that you appeared, Mr. Dillinger, to show me yet another window for mockery. First, the FBI tried to catch you and ended up gunning down three random people. If that wasn't embarrassing enough, you escaped out the back and eventually passed agents who didn't even recognize you. Why isn't that one of the stories I learned in history class? Yes, freeing the slaves was a good story but a better one is how branches of our government fail. You didn't have luck; you had stupidity on your side. I was surprised you weren't eventually caught and charged with tax evasion.

4. The Church of the Pastafarians

The world would be better if Jesus was Prego. At least that's what I've always thought. You are probably the product of some high philosopher who really enjoyed noodles, but that fact doesn't stop you from halting the spread of intelligent design everywhere. Because of you, we can safely say that we are apes. And that is something that no one can ever forget.

5. Evil Leader Cats

What would it be like to wake up to the face of Hitler? That is a question I've never had to ask myself before I saw Evil Leader Cats. Now, I'm comparing my cat to Kim Jong Il and contemplating whether the way Callisto was laying slightly resembled a swastika. Do those cats meow with a German accent? I am NEVER playing Risk in your territory. Nature blessed you with a face that resembles Stalin but history blessed you with eventual syphilis.

In Witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names,

Tasha and Emily

Also on notice, our inability to find something better to do with our time

We are very easily annoyed. This is illustrated by today's list. Enjoy.

On Notice Pt. Deux

1. The c chord.
Adding to our list of hobbies that will not benefit our life in any fiscal way, we have decided to learn the guitar. Awesome for awkward pauses at parties, terrible for the fingertips of our left hands. Although we make a terrifying duo that may one day take over the world Simon-and-Garfunkel style, there is one obstacle stopping us. This is a nemesis that we fear more than the potential existence of god: this is the c chord. Those of you with any musical talent (or those sad folk who only know how to play Brown-Eyed Girl, which is a much more staggering number than you'd guess) know our plight. And our anger.

2. Inter-party bickering
Don't get us wrong, we love arguing. If you've met us, even for the briefest second, you fully comprehend this. However, enough is enough, folks. We're looking at you, Clinton and Edwards. Yes, you have very shiny teeth that are blindingly white. This will not distract us from the fact that you are tearing into each other like coyotes on a deer carcass. You get to decide who's the deer.

3. The intelligence level of Jeopardy
When you started out, early in the 1960s, even you called yourself obscure. Did you run out of elitist material or is the entire television-watching population slowly making you dumb down your answers? Sadly, that may not be a rhetorical question. Did your eight-day champion really think that MASH was a book? And is West Virginia really the southernmost city in the U.S.? Sometimes I just want to beat people with an encyclopedia. Run, Alex Trebek, before you find yourself explaining that Billie Holiday was a woman.

4. Rudy Giuliani
Don't think we forgot that you have already graced our list. We remember. We're still angry. So we're still writing. I recently had the benefit of seeing your ad, "ready." At first, I was appalled. Then, I became enraged. However, I understand that the emotion you were going for was fear. Sorry, Giuliani. Not only do I constantly want to spell your name Giuliana and have you make me pasta, but I fear that ad less than I fear garter snakes. Good job scaring our nation into a vote! Might your large and overbearingly forceful ad have something to do with the fact that people giggle when you say lisp? Trust me, R.G., this is not the end of the list (or the lisp) for you.

5. Record high paychecks for Minnesota lawmakers.
Please. Don't worry about the thousands of college students struggling to pay tuition and, eventually, become you. No, trust me, we understand that you need that third car. I'd like a Jag, too. And yes, the football game isn't any good on that thirty-two inch screen. So go ahead. Give yourself that pay raise. While you're at it, go ahead and spread tuberculosis. It'll be like survival of the fittest; only those with health care will make it through. And those are the only voters you really care about it anyways. Good thinking. Good sportmanship. Good electoral process, America!

6. Remnants of sexism.
Yes, man at the bookstore, I am wearing a shorter than usual skirt. I am also vacuuming. This does not mean that eventually I will be wearing nothing and vacuuming your house. Although I appreciate your mental process (aka the fact that you are still conscious), I will never be in your kitchen, especially not without shoes and bearing child. Hillary Clinton has better things to do than iron your shirts. And to you, landlord, I do not appreciate the fact that you like Asians because they are "polite and submissive." Those words will be burned in my mind for years to come, hopefully when I'm making more money than you and living in sin with my liberal, feminist boyfriend. And yes, dear leprechaun landlord, I am a feminist because the world is not equal for the sexes. When you have your pleasure-making area sawed off with a sharp rock, I'd love to know your thoughts. Also, it's not okay to make movies about vaginas with teeth. Do I really need to further explain myself on that point?

Now that you are sufficiently freaked out about sex, we shall leave you. Please note that we now have links (in and around) and that Jacob Klocksien is a petulant child.


In Witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names,

Tasha and Emily

We have feelings, too.

To prove that our hearts aren't as black as Wesley Snipes, we have decided to present a list of things that we actually enjoy. With no further ado, You Are Highly Regarded!

1. Benazir Bhutto

Congratulations. Not only are you one of the greatest women leaders the Middle East has seen, you have somehow escaped the ice clutches of death. I was surprised when I glanced at that article in Parade Magazine singing your praises as the U.S.'s only hope to patch up foreign relations. Not only was I shocked because, for once, a staff writer had brain activity exceeding that of Terry Schiavo, but because you died ten days ago. Why don't you pass on the secret of immortality? Or are you, as I like to think, somehow speaking through someone, reminiscent of the show "Ghost Writer?" Either way, Benazir Bhutto, please enlighten us. (If you care to read words describing her immortality, click this link: http://www.parade.com/benazir_bhutto_interview.html)

2. Presidential doodles

Without you, book on Presidential doodles, I would never know the inner workings of the previous leaders of our country. For example, who knew that John F. Kennedy was secretly the creator of anime porn? It began with simple drawings of women with obscenely large eyes, and, no doubt, if his term as president had continued, it would have degenerated into some of the finest Japense-inspired erotic art this country has ever seen. In a seemingly more providential vein, Harry Truman's doodles were very single-minded. Death. Tragically, his illustrations were of simple stick people hanging themselves. If only he knew how befitting this actually would be. You may be asking yourself, did Harry Truman commit suicide? No, but his political career surely did meet that same demise.

3. The Geneva Convention

Oh, Geneva Convention, where have you gone? I remember when you were important, like Roe v. Wade and separation of church and state. Now you have been reduced to the likes of the American Revenue tax in 1764. Even waterboarding's nomination for word of the year can't save you. It's as if you've walked into the woods with an orange vest, Dick Cheney, and a week's supply of birdshot. I'll miss you.

4. Sandra Day O'Connor
You're the first Republican woman I've ever been tempted to bone. Nay, lay down gently. Please note that this is an extreme exaggeration, for my erotic taste does not apply to the 50+ catergory. Sorry, Margaret Thatcher. You would have been my second choice. Not only are your pumpkins shaped like Osama Bin Laden (get your mind out of the gutter!), but you hated Scalia, which automatically gives you an A+. You fought long, you fought hard (that's what she said) but in the end, no one is ever a match for Alzheimer's.

5. The Inevitable Corruption of Power
How can anyone resist that green young politician, his dapper suits and well-combed hair bringing about memories of Mr. Smith and his infamous trip to Washington. It ends with you face down in a puddle of your own waste, slowing starving to death in an internment camp (figuratively speaking, of course). What went wrong??? Perhaps it was the hundred and second time that you heard Neil Young's "Keep On Rockin' In The Free World" that drove you to despair. Maybe it was the free and easy access to cocaine and the opposing party's headquarters. All in all the transformation from Wellstone to Stalin is so persistent and unwaivering that you have to admire it. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, Chaps.

6. Pretentious Vocabulary
How many times did you click over to dictionary.com?
0-3 You Are Highly Regarded as a person!
4-6 Why aren't you studying for the GRE in your spare time? Flashcards are cool!
7-9 I really hope you're not paying too much for your tuition.
10+ You are the reason that Eugenics was at one point considered a good idea.
** If you Wikied Eugenics, I just de-friended you on Facebook.

So there you have it, things that we enjoy. Or sarcastically approve of. In the immortal words of a cartoon character with a speech impediment, That's all folks.


In Witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names,

Tasha and Emily

Welcome!

We are frustrated. Not just with the fact that we continue to forget to put out the recycling, but with the state of the nation, the idea of fame, and the constant barrage of subversive ideas and media that are continuously forced upon us. In an effort to combat the raging stupidity we have suddenly found ourselves immersed in, we the residents of the McSwalve household have decided to make our distaste public via a channel easily accessible to those most affected by the current state.

And thus, after a night of pasta, light cleaning, and enraging Republican Presidential debates, this weblog was formed. We shall start with an introductory "Notice List" to familiarize the public with our favorite way to display distaste (as well as sarcasm). We recommend keeping an extra page open to Wikipedia as well as an open mind and some form of alcohol to make this all go down a little smoother.

So here it is, the inaugural Notice List (not stolen from Stephen Colbert, instead in recognition of the genius of Jared Paul Stene R.I.P.) presented to you on this, the 5th day of January, 2008.

YOU ARE ON NOTICE!!

1. Rudy Giuliani
Just because you didn't fail and get the rest of us killed after 9/11 doesn't mean you will make a good president. Please focus on the issues and if I hear the proper noun New York again, not in reference to reality tv, I will stab you with an Empire State Building paperweight, then sop up your blood with an I <3 NY t-shirt. Please note that this is not an actual threat, for I cannot even kill a cat who wakes me up every morning by incessantly meowing.

2. Mike Huckabee's Diet Book
Um, what? Even though I would not be entirely saddened if you became President (which is a stretch for me considering my car is covered in liberal bumper stickers and I voted for Bill Clinton in my mock election in first grade) I view the book as a testament to my growing disdain for the definition of fame and what makes a person an influential public figure. Without the book I might even be tempted to potentially vote for you, if Obama died in a sudden, tragic airplane accident while singing John Denver in a Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt. You seem intelligent and could be considered as a good leader; however I would rather you talk to me about foreign policy and your plans for the economy versus how little ice cream I can eat and the inches of my waist.

3. The Guinea Worm
You're a sneaky little devil. You sound exotic and exciting, especially when used as a simile for Generation X politicians, but then you form a welt on my thigh and suddenly burst out with the head of a tiny cobra, gasping for breath. Ye Gods, why did you tempt me to Google you, only to find horrifying pictures of Central African Bushmen with gaping sores the size of a Kennedy Silver Dollar. You are an unfortunate event far exceeding the imagination of even Lemony Snicket. The tapeworm seems like a romp in a field of daisies compared to your evils. Although you could talk to Huckabee about your merits as a weight-loss regime. (Please, to the 3 of you reading this, DO NOT GOOGLE! It is comparable to Googling the words "two girls one cup horse fuck").

4. Fred Thompson
What can we say about Fred Thompson? Oh, how about "a stint on Law & Order does not qualify you for public service!" Although you may enjoy harassing evil-doers via the small screen, when your lines are scripted you have the tact of a small child attempting to get an ice cream cone from their parent. You will not win. You cannot win if there is any hope for this country. You have the political skills of a taller Gary Coleman... and we all know how his campaign ended. One day you will receive a Mencken-caliber obituary in a less-than-noteworthy local paper. Hopefully we will be alive to write it. Take note of THAT!

5. William Jennings Bryan
I remember you from my AP History class as The Guy Who Constantly Lost Presidential Elections. If that doesn't fully encapsulate who you are, I don't know what would. Your poor taste in fashion remains notable to this day. Not only is evolution being taught in schools today, but your obituary might be one of the best written burns in the history of published word. That single piece of non-fiction might be why Gutenberg invented MOVABLE METAL TYPE.

To those of you still reading (i.e. those who made it past the Guinea Worm) thank you for your undying love for completely inane statements and pointless pop culture references. We apologize for the lack Corey Feldman and/or Haim. Please keep reading, as we intend to keep posting. Who knows, you might actually learn something.

In Witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names,

Tasha and Emily