We have feelings, too.

To prove that our hearts aren't as black as Wesley Snipes, we have decided to present a list of things that we actually enjoy. With no further ado, You Are Highly Regarded!

1. Benazir Bhutto

Congratulations. Not only are you one of the greatest women leaders the Middle East has seen, you have somehow escaped the ice clutches of death. I was surprised when I glanced at that article in Parade Magazine singing your praises as the U.S.'s only hope to patch up foreign relations. Not only was I shocked because, for once, a staff writer had brain activity exceeding that of Terry Schiavo, but because you died ten days ago. Why don't you pass on the secret of immortality? Or are you, as I like to think, somehow speaking through someone, reminiscent of the show "Ghost Writer?" Either way, Benazir Bhutto, please enlighten us. (If you care to read words describing her immortality, click this link: http://www.parade.com/benazir_bhutto_interview.html)

2. Presidential doodles

Without you, book on Presidential doodles, I would never know the inner workings of the previous leaders of our country. For example, who knew that John F. Kennedy was secretly the creator of anime porn? It began with simple drawings of women with obscenely large eyes, and, no doubt, if his term as president had continued, it would have degenerated into some of the finest Japense-inspired erotic art this country has ever seen. In a seemingly more providential vein, Harry Truman's doodles were very single-minded. Death. Tragically, his illustrations were of simple stick people hanging themselves. If only he knew how befitting this actually would be. You may be asking yourself, did Harry Truman commit suicide? No, but his political career surely did meet that same demise.

3. The Geneva Convention

Oh, Geneva Convention, where have you gone? I remember when you were important, like Roe v. Wade and separation of church and state. Now you have been reduced to the likes of the American Revenue tax in 1764. Even waterboarding's nomination for word of the year can't save you. It's as if you've walked into the woods with an orange vest, Dick Cheney, and a week's supply of birdshot. I'll miss you.

4. Sandra Day O'Connor
You're the first Republican woman I've ever been tempted to bone. Nay, lay down gently. Please note that this is an extreme exaggeration, for my erotic taste does not apply to the 50+ catergory. Sorry, Margaret Thatcher. You would have been my second choice. Not only are your pumpkins shaped like Osama Bin Laden (get your mind out of the gutter!), but you hated Scalia, which automatically gives you an A+. You fought long, you fought hard (that's what she said) but in the end, no one is ever a match for Alzheimer's.

5. The Inevitable Corruption of Power
How can anyone resist that green young politician, his dapper suits and well-combed hair bringing about memories of Mr. Smith and his infamous trip to Washington. It ends with you face down in a puddle of your own waste, slowing starving to death in an internment camp (figuratively speaking, of course). What went wrong??? Perhaps it was the hundred and second time that you heard Neil Young's "Keep On Rockin' In The Free World" that drove you to despair. Maybe it was the free and easy access to cocaine and the opposing party's headquarters. All in all the transformation from Wellstone to Stalin is so persistent and unwaivering that you have to admire it. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, Chaps.

6. Pretentious Vocabulary
How many times did you click over to dictionary.com?
0-3 You Are Highly Regarded as a person!
4-6 Why aren't you studying for the GRE in your spare time? Flashcards are cool!
7-9 I really hope you're not paying too much for your tuition.
10+ You are the reason that Eugenics was at one point considered a good idea.
** If you Wikied Eugenics, I just de-friended you on Facebook.

So there you have it, things that we enjoy. Or sarcastically approve of. In the immortal words of a cartoon character with a speech impediment, That's all folks.


In Witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names,

Tasha and Emily