Welcome!

We are frustrated. Not just with the fact that we continue to forget to put out the recycling, but with the state of the nation, the idea of fame, and the constant barrage of subversive ideas and media that are continuously forced upon us. In an effort to combat the raging stupidity we have suddenly found ourselves immersed in, we the residents of the McSwalve household have decided to make our distaste public via a channel easily accessible to those most affected by the current state.

And thus, after a night of pasta, light cleaning, and enraging Republican Presidential debates, this weblog was formed. We shall start with an introductory "Notice List" to familiarize the public with our favorite way to display distaste (as well as sarcasm). We recommend keeping an extra page open to Wikipedia as well as an open mind and some form of alcohol to make this all go down a little smoother.

So here it is, the inaugural Notice List (not stolen from Stephen Colbert, instead in recognition of the genius of Jared Paul Stene R.I.P.) presented to you on this, the 5th day of January, 2008.

YOU ARE ON NOTICE!!

1. Rudy Giuliani
Just because you didn't fail and get the rest of us killed after 9/11 doesn't mean you will make a good president. Please focus on the issues and if I hear the proper noun New York again, not in reference to reality tv, I will stab you with an Empire State Building paperweight, then sop up your blood with an I <3 NY t-shirt. Please note that this is not an actual threat, for I cannot even kill a cat who wakes me up every morning by incessantly meowing.

2. Mike Huckabee's Diet Book
Um, what? Even though I would not be entirely saddened if you became President (which is a stretch for me considering my car is covered in liberal bumper stickers and I voted for Bill Clinton in my mock election in first grade) I view the book as a testament to my growing disdain for the definition of fame and what makes a person an influential public figure. Without the book I might even be tempted to potentially vote for you, if Obama died in a sudden, tragic airplane accident while singing John Denver in a Lynyrd Skynyrd t-shirt. You seem intelligent and could be considered as a good leader; however I would rather you talk to me about foreign policy and your plans for the economy versus how little ice cream I can eat and the inches of my waist.

3. The Guinea Worm
You're a sneaky little devil. You sound exotic and exciting, especially when used as a simile for Generation X politicians, but then you form a welt on my thigh and suddenly burst out with the head of a tiny cobra, gasping for breath. Ye Gods, why did you tempt me to Google you, only to find horrifying pictures of Central African Bushmen with gaping sores the size of a Kennedy Silver Dollar. You are an unfortunate event far exceeding the imagination of even Lemony Snicket. The tapeworm seems like a romp in a field of daisies compared to your evils. Although you could talk to Huckabee about your merits as a weight-loss regime. (Please, to the 3 of you reading this, DO NOT GOOGLE! It is comparable to Googling the words "two girls one cup horse fuck").

4. Fred Thompson
What can we say about Fred Thompson? Oh, how about "a stint on Law & Order does not qualify you for public service!" Although you may enjoy harassing evil-doers via the small screen, when your lines are scripted you have the tact of a small child attempting to get an ice cream cone from their parent. You will not win. You cannot win if there is any hope for this country. You have the political skills of a taller Gary Coleman... and we all know how his campaign ended. One day you will receive a Mencken-caliber obituary in a less-than-noteworthy local paper. Hopefully we will be alive to write it. Take note of THAT!

5. William Jennings Bryan
I remember you from my AP History class as The Guy Who Constantly Lost Presidential Elections. If that doesn't fully encapsulate who you are, I don't know what would. Your poor taste in fashion remains notable to this day. Not only is evolution being taught in schools today, but your obituary might be one of the best written burns in the history of published word. That single piece of non-fiction might be why Gutenberg invented MOVABLE METAL TYPE.

To those of you still reading (i.e. those who made it past the Guinea Worm) thank you for your undying love for completely inane statements and pointless pop culture references. We apologize for the lack Corey Feldman and/or Haim. Please keep reading, as we intend to keep posting. Who knows, you might actually learn something.

In Witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names,

Tasha and Emily