And yet another night of debates.

Sadly, we are still sober and still watching presidential debates. Thus comes another episode of "You Are Highly Regarded!"

1. John Kerry still considered flip-flopper

I remember the good old days, when you were holding hands with dear former senator Edwards. I gently scolded people who called you a flip-flopper, using a reproaching tone of voice and stating your qualifications (aka the fact that you weren't George Bush). As I listened to the daily news on the classical music channel, I was not entirely displeased to hear your voice. I love listening to losers. But then I listened to your message. Oh Kerry. I didn't think that you could be a more bitter loser. But then you surprised me by coming out of nowhere with an attack on your former running mate. You were as shocking as KFed's new title as the better parent. Even in your death (and yes, you have died in the eyes of our country, see former entry about William Jennings Bryan) you still haunt us. It's as though you punched a baby crawling over your grave. Good job.

2. Chapeau monkey smuggler

I, rather naively I now concede, thought that our airport security was stringent, if not a little overprotective about liquids. At least that was the reason I gave myself to justify the ass rape by that creepy yet gentle airport security guard. But not so! Mr. Chapeau Monkey Smuggler, you amaze me. How do you even get a monkey under your hat? I'd think that they would climb out and then run off with your wallet. Perhaps I've watched too much Aladdin, but I think that you should start a new career as either a spy or an animal trainer. Or an animal-training spy. Eventually, there will be a movie made about you. It might go straight to video, but I'll totally be buying that for 2 dollars in three years. I applaud you.

3. John Dillinger's fugitive status.

I thought I could only laugh at Hoover because of his name. Thank god that you appeared, Mr. Dillinger, to show me yet another window for mockery. First, the FBI tried to catch you and ended up gunning down three random people. If that wasn't embarrassing enough, you escaped out the back and eventually passed agents who didn't even recognize you. Why isn't that one of the stories I learned in history class? Yes, freeing the slaves was a good story but a better one is how branches of our government fail. You didn't have luck; you had stupidity on your side. I was surprised you weren't eventually caught and charged with tax evasion.

4. The Church of the Pastafarians

The world would be better if Jesus was Prego. At least that's what I've always thought. You are probably the product of some high philosopher who really enjoyed noodles, but that fact doesn't stop you from halting the spread of intelligent design everywhere. Because of you, we can safely say that we are apes. And that is something that no one can ever forget.

5. Evil Leader Cats

What would it be like to wake up to the face of Hitler? That is a question I've never had to ask myself before I saw Evil Leader Cats. Now, I'm comparing my cat to Kim Jong Il and contemplating whether the way Callisto was laying slightly resembled a swastika. Do those cats meow with a German accent? I am NEVER playing Risk in your territory. Nature blessed you with a face that resembles Stalin but history blessed you with eventual syphilis.

In Witness whereof We have hereunto subscribed our Names,

Tasha and Emily